Where has all the love gone?

This blog is something of a personal confession. 


I have been involved in ministry within the church in various capacities for all of my adult life. Since the age of 21 there has not been a time (until recently) that I have not been actively involved in a local church to some degree. For some seasons I was just a volunteer helping where and when I could. In other times I have been a pastor, youth pastor, and associate pastor.


I love the local church and that is why I have devoted so much of my life to it, and I fully expect that service in a local church setting will be the norm for as long as I am on this earth. I believe it was the reason God created me - to help take care of people and work to grow the church and see the Bride of Christ prepared for His return.


My history and involvement is what makes me so defensive when people say negative things about the church, but I have to admit that the past few months have given me a new perspective on church and I can see that some of the criticism  is valid. You see for the past 5 months I have been in a position that is very unfamiliar and uncomfortable for me when it comes to church - on the outside looking in. Even though I still attend church I am only attending, not involved in any ministry. This "outside in" perspective has helped me to see the church in a new way and forced me to be honest about the shortcomings of the church and my own inability to address them.


One area that I have been thinking about recently is our ability (our = the church) to deal with people who struggle with sin in a loving way instead of through judgement and avoidance. The fear in loving people who sin (in ways we consider to be more serious than our own everyday sin) is that our love will be confused with acceptance as if we condone their sin. But in our inability to really love people, all people, we end up driving away the people who really need help as if we want only to fill the church with people who don't have too many problems. The problem is, that is not our job, nor the real function of a successful church.


In thinking about how I can do a better job of loving people I have focused on two things: First of all is the way that Jesus loved people, and secondly is to understand my role in the process of God's work on someone else's sin.


When I read the accounts of Jesus' life on earth it is easy to see that he had an amazing ability to love people but deal with their sin at the same time. He did not avoid them but rather reached out to them because he loved them. His love saw through the sin to the pain it caused and when he challenged them to live better lives it was because he wanted to ease that pain. I love how he was never afraid to deal with a person in sin, even if they were not ready to deal with their own sin. He did it all in love, and his love reached them when the "religious" people around them had forsaken them.


Understanding how Jesus dealt with people has helped me to learn how to love people more. Understanding his role in dealing with their sin has helped me to understand mine.


When we choose to withhold love from someone who has sinned, not wanting to appear as though we condone their actions, we are confused about our role in dealing with their sin. It is as if we see ourselves as the ones who must pass judgement on them and hand out the consequences for their actions. It sounds silly now that I write it down, but it is so true and I know I have been guilty of that exact thing many times. I know I have avoided people, judged them, and not loved them all because of their sin as if any of that was my job.


When we are cautious when dealing with people who have sinned is it because we are worried that we will be guilty by association? When we avoid them is it because we think they deserve to be sunned for a while because of their actions, or is it because we just don't know how to love them in the middle of the mess their sin has created? And what is the real risk in reaching out in love to someone who is hurting because of the mistakes they have made - someone who already feels their guilt and does not need the church to remind them.


As I said this blog is somewhat of a personal confession. I have not loved people enough because I was too cautious and worried that they might confuse my acceptance as approval. The truth is that my role in dealing with people is love and acceptance, God's role is conviction and correction.


If we (the church) would do a better job of really loving people maybe they would stay around long enough to receive the conviction, correction, and healing that God longs to give them.

The Hardest Thing of All - Part 2

Mt 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.


Why did Jesus have to say stuff like that? Since it was Jesus that said it we can't just ignore it or work around it, and we can't negotiate our way out of it. But there it is - if we do not forgive the people who sin against us, God will not forgive us when we sin! It's a simple decision that God has made to help us understand the incredible importance of forgiveness.


Forgiveness is something that Jesus talked about a lot, but what does it really look like when lived out in real life? Most of what Jesus said about forgiveness answers that question, but the bottom line is this: forgiveness is something that requires your actions much more than your words.


Consider these other hard things that Jesus said about forgiveness...


Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:28)
Blessing and cursing is all about how we use our words when we talk about the people who have hurt us. When that happens our first response is often to lash out and say all kinds of things that can't be taken back. How many times have your words made things worse though? How many bridges have we burned by running to all open ears and telling all kinds of things about those who have hurt us? Could it be that Jesus knew we would make it worse so he told us to speak blessing instead of curses? Could it be that he knows so much about us that he is trying to keep us from the greater pain of killing a friendship that could be saved? I think so.


If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. (Luke 6:29)
So it's not just about what we say, here Jesus goes to what we do. Can you really imagine acting that way toward someone who wrongs you? But can you see that this is not a suggestion from Jesus, it is a commandment! Does Jesus want us to be weak, to let the other person win and get away with hurting us? It seems that way because this is not how we are taught to react. We are taught revenge, punishment, and payback. But again Jesus knows that what we do after we have been hurt will either make things better or worse, and most of our natural instinct will lead us to so things that make it worse!


I have recently had the opportunity to put all of this into practice, and the advice of a good friend has really helped me. He passed along something that God had told him in a similar situation. He said "How you respond right now will determine your future in ministry." That is such a great insight into God's motivation for pushing us toward forgiveness, he is thinking about our future while we are focused on our past or present. 


Forgiveness is hard for sure, but unforgiveness is worse. Forgiveness is hard right now but it sets us free to move on, unforgiveness may be easier right now but will bind us to our past and keep the pain of past hurts alive and fresh. So when Jesus commanded us to forgive, he was not trying to make life hard for us, he was trying to set us free!

The Hardest Thing of All

Well I have been talking to whoever is reading this blog for a few weeks on the subject of friendship, specifically the value of friendships and the things that cause them to fail. I hope all of this has been helpful and that in some way some of the principles I have mentioned will enhance and preserve the friendships you are blessed with. 


This week I want to get to one of the hardest things of all. When included in your friendship this particular thing will preserve and strengthen it, but without it the relationship is sure to die. This is something that we all really want from our friends but often have such a hard time giving it to our friends. It is vital, it is messy and hard, it is forgiveness. 


Your friends are going to mess up! They are going to let you down and not come through for you. They may even hurt you deeply and disappointed you in ways you never expected. (By the way, in time you will do all of those things to your friends too). The question is not if your friends will let you down or hurt you, but what will you do about it when they do. How will you deal with that friend once the anger or disappointment has worn off a little? If your friendship is going to survive and recover, then forgiveness is the key.


Here is where the "one simple rule" comes into play. When you know that you have blown it and let your friend down, the thing you hope for most is that they forgive you. You pray that they see your point of view and accept your explanation of things. You are hoping for a second chance (or a 15th chance and on and on). If that is what you are really hoping for then you must remember that the friend who has hurt you is hoping that you respond with the same kind of understanding and forgiveness. 


Forgivingness is hard, it is messy sometimes, and it can take some time to really work out. Most of the time we won't to forgive the friend who has hurt us because the pain of their actions is real and difficult to overcome. But again, if the friendship is going to survive there is no way around the fact that forgiveness is going to have to be a part of the process. There is no way around it. Forgiveness is the key.


If you have read my previous posts then you know that friendship is so valuable that it is worth the work that forgiveness takes. We are talking about eternal things here, and that is why God can and does give us the strength to forgive others and see our friendships restored and preserved. 


Next time I'll talk more about what forgiveness looks like when lived out in a friendship.

More Thoughts on Loyalty

Last time I was writing about the value of loyalty in friendship and how a lack of it can be a friendship killer. Loyalty is such an important aspect of a good friend and a large subject I thought there would be value to exploring the issue further.


Many people see loyalty differently, so here are my thoughts on what loyalty is and what it isn't. I would love to hear your thoughts on it - so fee free to comment here or on my Facebook page.


Let's be clear first about one very important thing about loyalty - loyalty is not about blindly following and believing your friends and accepting everything they tell you even if there is evidence to show they are lying. It's not even about defending them even when you know they are guilty of something. Loyalty is about sticking by your friends, but it is also seen in being honest with them when they are wrong.


Loyalty is about continuing to be a friend to someone who has let you down, who sinned or been misunderstood. 


Loyalty is not so much about taking sides as it is about caring enough to tell your friend when they are in the wrong.


Loyalty is not just about defending your friends in public (defending their character and reputation to those who would spread gossip and rumors about them), it is about helping them to deal with the reasons they need to be defended.


Prov. 17:17 says that "a friend loves at all times." - That is loyalty.


Someone once said, "a true friend is someone who comes in when the rest of the world leaves." - That is loyalty.


A friend once told me, "I don't care what people say about you, I am still your friend... I don't even care if what they say is true, I will always be your friend." - That is loyalty!!


It seems that loyalty is not only misunderstood, but it is also a rare commodity at times, but it is such a vital quality in friendship. And as I mentioned last time - if you want to have great friends, loyal friends, friends who will stick by you no matter what, you must first be that kind of friend. Loyalty in you will inspire loyalty in others.

A Loyal Friend?

In his play "Julius Caesar" Shakespeare tells the story of Marcus Brutus and his role in the assassination of his close friend the Roman Emperor. In the story, as Caesar enters the Senate chamber where his assassins wait to attack him and he sees his friend Brutus among the attackers. As Caesar is being stabbed to death he looks up at his friend and utters the famous words "Et tu, Brute?" These words (which mean, "You too, Brutus?") are uttered with great pain as if the betrayal of his friend hurts worse than the diggers that pierce his flesh.


This tragic story is an extreme example of how it hurts when a friend that you thought you could  depend on appears to be against you. Hopefully you have never had a friend who has conspired with your enemies to kill you, but you may have had some who have let you down, broken promises, talked about you behind your back, or hurt you in any number of other ways. You know the pain of that moment when you realize that your friend has not been the friend you thought and hoped they would be. That pain must drive you to be a loyal friend, to be one who will not be the cause of such pain for others.


Betrayal sounds like such a harsh word, but is there any other word that describes what we do when we let our friends down? How about when we gossip about them, break our promises to them, or even just choose not to believe the best about them when given the option? If loyalty is one of the things that makes a friend a close and valued friend, then betrayal (or disloyalty) is a friendship killer.


Prov. 17:17 says that "a friend loves at all times." That verse speaks to me of loyalty. It says that if I want to be a friend to someone I must be loyal to them, they must be able to depend on me at all times. It challenges me to always believe the best about them and to defend them to others. It means that I must be willing to risk my own reputation to stand by my friend if needed. 


If you are like me you have already let your friends down, you may even realize after reading this that you might be guilty of betraying them. This is your chance to become a better friend, a loyal friend. We all want to have friends we can count on, but that starts with being a friend that can be counted on.

Friendship Killers

"Gossip separates the best of friends."  Prov. 16:28 (NLT)


The primary purposes of this blog is to strengthen friendships by helping the reader to understand the eternal significance of the relationships in our lives, and by exposing the fatal mistakes we makes that kill friendships. Having given attention to the value of friendships in previous posts I thought it was time to turn my attention to the thing that really drove me to start this blog in the first place: friendship killers.


Friendship killers are those fatal actions we take (or fail to take) that can signal the end of a relationship and bring about a lot of pain, misunderstanding, and deeply hurt feelings. As I have said earlier - when a friendship is lost there can be a lot of pain, this should not be unexpected given the eternal nature of friendships.


In over 20 years of ministry and counseling to families and individuals I can say that gossip ranks among the deadliest of all the friendship killers out there. Scripture even tells us in Proverbs 16:28 that gossip has the power to separate even the best of friends. If you are over 10 years old I'm sure that you can think of too many times in your own life when this has proven to be true. Gossip is a friendship killer!


As powerful as gossip is to kill even the best of friendships, we have to understand that it's power comes from us. We are the ones who listen, and we are the ones who pass along what we hear. We are the ones who feed the flames of gossip until it grows into a raging fire that burns out of our control. When the fire is over we find the chard remains of friendships and reputations. 


Just as we give gossip it's power we can also starve it and put out the flame. If we refuse to listen then gossip will lose it's strength, and if we refuse to pass along what we hear then it is weakened further. We really have the power to defeat gossip if we can face the fact that it is a friendship killer and not just some harmless talk or information passed along "for prayer."


The best way to defeat gossip and therefor preserve friendship is to apply the "one simple rule." Jesus said, "love your neighbor as yourself," but you may know it better as "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."  So when a piece of juicy information comes your way about a friend, when you are tempted to listen and pass it along, just put yourself in the shoes of the one being talked about and ask yourself what your friend would want you to do in that moment. Safe to say they wouldn't be hoping that you believe the gossip and tell everyone who will listen, chances are they would be devastated that people are talking about them and would want you to believe the best about them and not be a part of spreading the gossip. Isn't that what you hope your friends will do when they hear something about you? Don't you hope they will believe the best about you and defend you, to come to you directly and trust what you say? Do you want them to have your back? If that is what you want from your friends then that is what you must give them.


If we would all live by this one simple rule, then gossip will have claimed it's final friendship victim.

Friendship Holding Patterns

In the last blog I was talking about the eternal nature of friendships and relationships in general. (Take a minute and read back if you need to) In light of that fact it is amazing to think that a friendship, once it has begun, can literally last forever!

That's great news for those of us who have friendships that are on hold right now. Do you have any of those? Let me explain: About 20 years ago I was living in Texas and working at Last Days Ministries. I met some truly great people there - to this day I value those relationships. However, I haven't seen most of the people I got to know there since I left. Can I really still count them as friends if I haven't had much if any contact with them in 20 years? Absolutely! 

These friendships are on hold for now - holding at the level were we left off. Some of them have been renewed through Facebook contact, some as I have visited the cities they now live in, and some will have to wait until we have an eternity to spend together. These friendships have not ended - they are just on hold until further contact is possible.

This idea gets me even more excited about eternity in heaven - thinking about the wonderful people I know and the fact that I will have an eternity with them to continue the friendship we started. Distance may have separated us, time may have gotten away from us in this life, but the relationship is still alive even if it is dormant for now. Eternity will revive it if there is no opportunity to do so in this life. That excites me!

The primary reason for this blog is to look at why friendships die and how we can prevent the pain that comes when they do, but for now I am just thankful for the ones that are still alive, even if some of them are on hold for a while.