Mt 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Why did Jesus have to say stuff like that? Since it was Jesus that said it we can't just ignore it or work around it, and we can't negotiate our way out of it. But there it is - if we do not forgive the people who sin against us, God will not forgive us when we sin! It's a simple decision that God has made to help us understand the incredible importance of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is something that Jesus talked about a lot, but what does it really look like when lived out in real life? Most of what Jesus said about forgiveness answers that question, but the bottom line is this: forgiveness is something that requires your actions much more than your words.
Consider these other hard things that Jesus said about forgiveness...
Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:28)
Blessing and cursing is all about how we use our words when we talk about the people who have hurt us. When that happens our first response is often to lash out and say all kinds of things that can't be taken back. How many times have your words made things worse though? How many bridges have we burned by running to all open ears and telling all kinds of things about those who have hurt us? Could it be that Jesus knew we would make it worse so he told us to speak blessing instead of curses? Could it be that he knows so much about us that he is trying to keep us from the greater pain of killing a friendship that could be saved? I think so.
If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. (Luke 6:29)
So it's not just about what we say, here Jesus goes to what we do. Can you really imagine acting that way toward someone who wrongs you? But can you see that this is not a suggestion from Jesus, it is a commandment! Does Jesus want us to be weak, to let the other person win and get away with hurting us? It seems that way because this is not how we are taught to react. We are taught revenge, punishment, and payback. But again Jesus knows that what we do after we have been hurt will either make things better or worse, and most of our natural instinct will lead us to so things that make it worse!
I have recently had the opportunity to put all of this into practice, and the advice of a good friend has really helped me. He passed along something that God had told him in a similar situation. He said "How you respond right now will determine your future in ministry." That is such a great insight into God's motivation for pushing us toward forgiveness, he is thinking about our future while we are focused on our past or present.
Forgiveness is hard for sure, but unforgiveness is worse. Forgiveness is hard right now but it sets us free to move on, unforgiveness may be easier right now but will bind us to our past and keep the pain of past hurts alive and fresh. So when Jesus commanded us to forgive, he was not trying to make life hard for us, he was trying to set us free!
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The Hardest Thing of All
Well I have been talking to whoever is reading this blog for a few weeks on the subject of friendship, specifically the value of friendships and the things that cause them to fail. I hope all of this has been helpful and that in some way some of the principles I have mentioned will enhance and preserve the friendships you are blessed with.
This week I want to get to one of the hardest things of all. When included in your friendship this particular thing will preserve and strengthen it, but without it the relationship is sure to die. This is something that we all really want from our friends but often have such a hard time giving it to our friends. It is vital, it is messy and hard, it is forgiveness.
Your friends are going to mess up! They are going to let you down and not come through for you. They may even hurt you deeply and disappointed you in ways you never expected. (By the way, in time you will do all of those things to your friends too). The question is not if your friends will let you down or hurt you, but what will you do about it when they do. How will you deal with that friend once the anger or disappointment has worn off a little? If your friendship is going to survive and recover, then forgiveness is the key.
Here is where the "one simple rule" comes into play. When you know that you have blown it and let your friend down, the thing you hope for most is that they forgive you. You pray that they see your point of view and accept your explanation of things. You are hoping for a second chance (or a 15th chance and on and on). If that is what you are really hoping for then you must remember that the friend who has hurt you is hoping that you respond with the same kind of understanding and forgiveness.
Forgivingness is hard, it is messy sometimes, and it can take some time to really work out. Most of the time we won't to forgive the friend who has hurt us because the pain of their actions is real and difficult to overcome. But again, if the friendship is going to survive there is no way around the fact that forgiveness is going to have to be a part of the process. There is no way around it. Forgiveness is the key.
If you have read my previous posts then you know that friendship is so valuable that it is worth the work that forgiveness takes. We are talking about eternal things here, and that is why God can and does give us the strength to forgive others and see our friendships restored and preserved.
Next time I'll talk more about what forgiveness looks like when lived out in a friendship.
This week I want to get to one of the hardest things of all. When included in your friendship this particular thing will preserve and strengthen it, but without it the relationship is sure to die. This is something that we all really want from our friends but often have such a hard time giving it to our friends. It is vital, it is messy and hard, it is forgiveness.
Your friends are going to mess up! They are going to let you down and not come through for you. They may even hurt you deeply and disappointed you in ways you never expected. (By the way, in time you will do all of those things to your friends too). The question is not if your friends will let you down or hurt you, but what will you do about it when they do. How will you deal with that friend once the anger or disappointment has worn off a little? If your friendship is going to survive and recover, then forgiveness is the key.
Here is where the "one simple rule" comes into play. When you know that you have blown it and let your friend down, the thing you hope for most is that they forgive you. You pray that they see your point of view and accept your explanation of things. You are hoping for a second chance (or a 15th chance and on and on). If that is what you are really hoping for then you must remember that the friend who has hurt you is hoping that you respond with the same kind of understanding and forgiveness.
Forgivingness is hard, it is messy sometimes, and it can take some time to really work out. Most of the time we won't to forgive the friend who has hurt us because the pain of their actions is real and difficult to overcome. But again, if the friendship is going to survive there is no way around the fact that forgiveness is going to have to be a part of the process. There is no way around it. Forgiveness is the key.
If you have read my previous posts then you know that friendship is so valuable that it is worth the work that forgiveness takes. We are talking about eternal things here, and that is why God can and does give us the strength to forgive others and see our friendships restored and preserved.
Next time I'll talk more about what forgiveness looks like when lived out in a friendship.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
More Thoughts on Loyalty
Last time I was writing about the value of loyalty in friendship and how a lack of it can be a friendship killer. Loyalty is such an important aspect of a good friend and a large subject I thought there would be value to exploring the issue further.
Many people see loyalty differently, so here are my thoughts on what loyalty is and what it isn't. I would love to hear your thoughts on it - so fee free to comment here or on my Facebook page.
Let's be clear first about one very important thing about loyalty - loyalty is not about blindly following and believing your friends and accepting everything they tell you even if there is evidence to show they are lying. It's not even about defending them even when you know they are guilty of something. Loyalty is about sticking by your friends, but it is also seen in being honest with them when they are wrong.
Loyalty is about continuing to be a friend to someone who has let you down, who sinned or been misunderstood.
Loyalty is not so much about taking sides as it is about caring enough to tell your friend when they are in the wrong.
Loyalty is not just about defending your friends in public (defending their character and reputation to those who would spread gossip and rumors about them), it is about helping them to deal with the reasons they need to be defended.
Prov. 17:17 says that "a friend loves at all times." - That is loyalty.
Someone once said, "a true friend is someone who comes in when the rest of the world leaves." - That is loyalty.
A friend once told me, "I don't care what people say about you, I am still your friend... I don't even care if what they say is true, I will always be your friend." - That is loyalty!!
It seems that loyalty is not only misunderstood, but it is also a rare commodity at times, but it is such a vital quality in friendship. And as I mentioned last time - if you want to have great friends, loyal friends, friends who will stick by you no matter what, you must first be that kind of friend. Loyalty in you will inspire loyalty in others.
Many people see loyalty differently, so here are my thoughts on what loyalty is and what it isn't. I would love to hear your thoughts on it - so fee free to comment here or on my Facebook page.
Let's be clear first about one very important thing about loyalty - loyalty is not about blindly following and believing your friends and accepting everything they tell you even if there is evidence to show they are lying. It's not even about defending them even when you know they are guilty of something. Loyalty is about sticking by your friends, but it is also seen in being honest with them when they are wrong.
Loyalty is about continuing to be a friend to someone who has let you down, who sinned or been misunderstood.
Loyalty is not so much about taking sides as it is about caring enough to tell your friend when they are in the wrong.
Loyalty is not just about defending your friends in public (defending their character and reputation to those who would spread gossip and rumors about them), it is about helping them to deal with the reasons they need to be defended.
Prov. 17:17 says that "a friend loves at all times." - That is loyalty.
Someone once said, "a true friend is someone who comes in when the rest of the world leaves." - That is loyalty.
A friend once told me, "I don't care what people say about you, I am still your friend... I don't even care if what they say is true, I will always be your friend." - That is loyalty!!
It seems that loyalty is not only misunderstood, but it is also a rare commodity at times, but it is such a vital quality in friendship. And as I mentioned last time - if you want to have great friends, loyal friends, friends who will stick by you no matter what, you must first be that kind of friend. Loyalty in you will inspire loyalty in others.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
A Loyal Friend?
In his play "Julius Caesar" Shakespeare tells the story of Marcus Brutus and his role in the assassination of his close friend the Roman Emperor. In the story, as Caesar enters the Senate chamber where his assassins wait to attack him and he sees his friend Brutus among the attackers. As Caesar is being stabbed to death he looks up at his friend and utters the famous words "Et tu, Brute?" These words (which mean, "You too, Brutus?") are uttered with great pain as if the betrayal of his friend hurts worse than the diggers that pierce his flesh.
This tragic story is an extreme example of how it hurts when a friend that you thought you could depend on appears to be against you. Hopefully you have never had a friend who has conspired with your enemies to kill you, but you may have had some who have let you down, broken promises, talked about you behind your back, or hurt you in any number of other ways. You know the pain of that moment when you realize that your friend has not been the friend you thought and hoped they would be. That pain must drive you to be a loyal friend, to be one who will not be the cause of such pain for others.
Betrayal sounds like such a harsh word, but is there any other word that describes what we do when we let our friends down? How about when we gossip about them, break our promises to them, or even just choose not to believe the best about them when given the option? If loyalty is one of the things that makes a friend a close and valued friend, then betrayal (or disloyalty) is a friendship killer.
Prov. 17:17 says that "a friend loves at all times." That verse speaks to me of loyalty. It says that if I want to be a friend to someone I must be loyal to them, they must be able to depend on me at all times. It challenges me to always believe the best about them and to defend them to others. It means that I must be willing to risk my own reputation to stand by my friend if needed.
If you are like me you have already let your friends down, you may even realize after reading this that you might be guilty of betraying them. This is your chance to become a better friend, a loyal friend. We all want to have friends we can count on, but that starts with being a friend that can be counted on.
This tragic story is an extreme example of how it hurts when a friend that you thought you could depend on appears to be against you. Hopefully you have never had a friend who has conspired with your enemies to kill you, but you may have had some who have let you down, broken promises, talked about you behind your back, or hurt you in any number of other ways. You know the pain of that moment when you realize that your friend has not been the friend you thought and hoped they would be. That pain must drive you to be a loyal friend, to be one who will not be the cause of such pain for others.
Betrayal sounds like such a harsh word, but is there any other word that describes what we do when we let our friends down? How about when we gossip about them, break our promises to them, or even just choose not to believe the best about them when given the option? If loyalty is one of the things that makes a friend a close and valued friend, then betrayal (or disloyalty) is a friendship killer.
Prov. 17:17 says that "a friend loves at all times." That verse speaks to me of loyalty. It says that if I want to be a friend to someone I must be loyal to them, they must be able to depend on me at all times. It challenges me to always believe the best about them and to defend them to others. It means that I must be willing to risk my own reputation to stand by my friend if needed.
If you are like me you have already let your friends down, you may even realize after reading this that you might be guilty of betraying them. This is your chance to become a better friend, a loyal friend. We all want to have friends we can count on, but that starts with being a friend that can be counted on.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friendship Killers
"Gossip separates the best of friends." Prov. 16:28 (NLT)
The primary purposes of this blog is to strengthen friendships by helping the reader to understand the eternal significance of the relationships in our lives, and by exposing the fatal mistakes we makes that kill friendships. Having given attention to the value of friendships in previous posts I thought it was time to turn my attention to the thing that really drove me to start this blog in the first place: friendship killers.
Friendship killers are those fatal actions we take (or fail to take) that can signal the end of a relationship and bring about a lot of pain, misunderstanding, and deeply hurt feelings. As I have said earlier - when a friendship is lost there can be a lot of pain, this should not be unexpected given the eternal nature of friendships.
In over 20 years of ministry and counseling to families and individuals I can say that gossip ranks among the deadliest of all the friendship killers out there. Scripture even tells us in Proverbs 16:28 that gossip has the power to separate even the best of friends. If you are over 10 years old I'm sure that you can think of too many times in your own life when this has proven to be true. Gossip is a friendship killer!
As powerful as gossip is to kill even the best of friendships, we have to understand that it's power comes from us. We are the ones who listen, and we are the ones who pass along what we hear. We are the ones who feed the flames of gossip until it grows into a raging fire that burns out of our control. When the fire is over we find the chard remains of friendships and reputations.
Just as we give gossip it's power we can also starve it and put out the flame. If we refuse to listen then gossip will lose it's strength, and if we refuse to pass along what we hear then it is weakened further. We really have the power to defeat gossip if we can face the fact that it is a friendship killer and not just some harmless talk or information passed along "for prayer."
The best way to defeat gossip and therefor preserve friendship is to apply the "one simple rule." Jesus said, "love your neighbor as yourself," but you may know it better as "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." So when a piece of juicy information comes your way about a friend, when you are tempted to listen and pass it along, just put yourself in the shoes of the one being talked about and ask yourself what your friend would want you to do in that moment. Safe to say they wouldn't be hoping that you believe the gossip and tell everyone who will listen, chances are they would be devastated that people are talking about them and would want you to believe the best about them and not be a part of spreading the gossip. Isn't that what you hope your friends will do when they hear something about you? Don't you hope they will believe the best about you and defend you, to come to you directly and trust what you say? Do you want them to have your back? If that is what you want from your friends then that is what you must give them.
If we would all live by this one simple rule, then gossip will have claimed it's final friendship victim.
The primary purposes of this blog is to strengthen friendships by helping the reader to understand the eternal significance of the relationships in our lives, and by exposing the fatal mistakes we makes that kill friendships. Having given attention to the value of friendships in previous posts I thought it was time to turn my attention to the thing that really drove me to start this blog in the first place: friendship killers.
Friendship killers are those fatal actions we take (or fail to take) that can signal the end of a relationship and bring about a lot of pain, misunderstanding, and deeply hurt feelings. As I have said earlier - when a friendship is lost there can be a lot of pain, this should not be unexpected given the eternal nature of friendships.
In over 20 years of ministry and counseling to families and individuals I can say that gossip ranks among the deadliest of all the friendship killers out there. Scripture even tells us in Proverbs 16:28 that gossip has the power to separate even the best of friends. If you are over 10 years old I'm sure that you can think of too many times in your own life when this has proven to be true. Gossip is a friendship killer!
As powerful as gossip is to kill even the best of friendships, we have to understand that it's power comes from us. We are the ones who listen, and we are the ones who pass along what we hear. We are the ones who feed the flames of gossip until it grows into a raging fire that burns out of our control. When the fire is over we find the chard remains of friendships and reputations.
Just as we give gossip it's power we can also starve it and put out the flame. If we refuse to listen then gossip will lose it's strength, and if we refuse to pass along what we hear then it is weakened further. We really have the power to defeat gossip if we can face the fact that it is a friendship killer and not just some harmless talk or information passed along "for prayer."
The best way to defeat gossip and therefor preserve friendship is to apply the "one simple rule." Jesus said, "love your neighbor as yourself," but you may know it better as "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." So when a piece of juicy information comes your way about a friend, when you are tempted to listen and pass it along, just put yourself in the shoes of the one being talked about and ask yourself what your friend would want you to do in that moment. Safe to say they wouldn't be hoping that you believe the gossip and tell everyone who will listen, chances are they would be devastated that people are talking about them and would want you to believe the best about them and not be a part of spreading the gossip. Isn't that what you hope your friends will do when they hear something about you? Don't you hope they will believe the best about you and defend you, to come to you directly and trust what you say? Do you want them to have your back? If that is what you want from your friends then that is what you must give them.
If we would all live by this one simple rule, then gossip will have claimed it's final friendship victim.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Friendship Holding Patterns
In the last blog I was talking about the eternal nature of friendships and relationships in general. (Take a minute and read back if you need to) In light of that fact it is amazing to think that a friendship, once it has begun, can literally last forever!
That's great news for those of us who have friendships that are on hold right now. Do you have any of those? Let me explain: About 20 years ago I was living in Texas and working at Last Days Ministries. I met some truly great people there - to this day I value those relationships. However, I haven't seen most of the people I got to know there since I left. Can I really still count them as friends if I haven't had much if any contact with them in 20 years? Absolutely!
These friendships are on hold for now - holding at the level were we left off. Some of them have been renewed through Facebook contact, some as I have visited the cities they now live in, and some will have to wait until we have an eternity to spend together. These friendships have not ended - they are just on hold until further contact is possible.
This idea gets me even more excited about eternity in heaven - thinking about the wonderful people I know and the fact that I will have an eternity with them to continue the friendship we started. Distance may have separated us, time may have gotten away from us in this life, but the relationship is still alive even if it is dormant for now. Eternity will revive it if there is no opportunity to do so in this life. That excites me!
The primary reason for this blog is to look at why friendships die and how we can prevent the pain that comes when they do, but for now I am just thankful for the ones that are still alive, even if some of them are on hold for a while.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Forever Yours
It is amazing to me to think about the fact that Jesus Christ, the Son of God, came and lived here on earth. What is more amazing is that while he lived here he didn't accumulate anything of value - no home of his own, no real possessions to speak of, and no retirement plan. What he did have, what he did invest in, was his friendship with 12 ordinary men.
The wisdom of Christ is so far beyond ours and we have to know that his choice to invest in people was a deliberate one based on an infinite understanding the things that really matter. Maybe that is why when someone asked Jesus what the most important commandment in all of scripture is, he said "love the Lord your God with all your heart," but then he added, "and love your neighbor as yourself." Both of these important laws deal with relationships - one with God, and one with the people around us. He went on to say that every law ever written could be summed up in those two laws.
Why are these two laws so important? Why did Jesus spend so much time investing in people? Because relationships matter. For those who are born again and will spend eternity in heaven - relationships are eternal. We may not know all that awaits us in heaven, but scripture is clear that we will know each other, that we will spend eternity in fellowship with each other as we worship God and serve him together.
To quote from the description of this blog ... "of everything you will possess in your life, no matter how much stuff you have, the only thing that thing that will go with you into eternity is the relationships you have with people while you are alive in this life." That tells me that I should invest more in relationships, and that I should value them and not let anything get between me and the friends I am so blessed to have.
The wisdom of Christ is so far beyond ours and we have to know that his choice to invest in people was a deliberate one based on an infinite understanding the things that really matter. Maybe that is why when someone asked Jesus what the most important commandment in all of scripture is, he said "love the Lord your God with all your heart," but then he added, "and love your neighbor as yourself." Both of these important laws deal with relationships - one with God, and one with the people around us. He went on to say that every law ever written could be summed up in those two laws.
Why are these two laws so important? Why did Jesus spend so much time investing in people? Because relationships matter. For those who are born again and will spend eternity in heaven - relationships are eternal. We may not know all that awaits us in heaven, but scripture is clear that we will know each other, that we will spend eternity in fellowship with each other as we worship God and serve him together.
To quote from the description of this blog ... "of everything you will possess in your life, no matter how much stuff you have, the only thing that thing that will go with you into eternity is the relationships you have with people while you are alive in this life." That tells me that I should invest more in relationships, and that I should value them and not let anything get between me and the friends I am so blessed to have.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Friendship Lost
I want you to take a minute and think about the people in your life who are or have been your closest friends over the years. You can close your eyes if it helps so you can picture their faces (but then open them and keep reading).
As you think about those people and picture them in your mind no doubt you will have some good feelings and a smile may even begin to spread across your face as you think about the great times you have had, and the reasons why they became such close friends.
However, even as you find joy in those memories, no doubt there will also be a some moments of sadness as you think about the friends you have lost - those who have passed away or moved away. And there are the friends you have lost who are still very much alive, and maybe even still living near you, but they are just no longer your friend.
The smile that spreads across your face as you think of your friends can stop spreading as you remember the pain of a friendship that has been lost. That pain is the reason for this blog. Loosing a friend to death or distance is painful for sure, but loosing a friendship to conflict, rumor, or misunderstanding can be incredibly painful too.
In the blogs that follow I will be writing about why it hurts so much to loose a friendship, the eternal connection between people, the things we do that kill friendships, and the Biblical truths that reveal how to have great and lasting friendships.
If you think this will be a helpful blog, please give me some feedback and I'll keep on blogging.
As you think about those people and picture them in your mind no doubt you will have some good feelings and a smile may even begin to spread across your face as you think about the great times you have had, and the reasons why they became such close friends.
However, even as you find joy in those memories, no doubt there will also be a some moments of sadness as you think about the friends you have lost - those who have passed away or moved away. And there are the friends you have lost who are still very much alive, and maybe even still living near you, but they are just no longer your friend.
The smile that spreads across your face as you think of your friends can stop spreading as you remember the pain of a friendship that has been lost. That pain is the reason for this blog. Loosing a friend to death or distance is painful for sure, but loosing a friendship to conflict, rumor, or misunderstanding can be incredibly painful too.
In the blogs that follow I will be writing about why it hurts so much to loose a friendship, the eternal connection between people, the things we do that kill friendships, and the Biblical truths that reveal how to have great and lasting friendships.
If you think this will be a helpful blog, please give me some feedback and I'll keep on blogging.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)