Last time I was writing about the value of loyalty in friendship and how a lack of it can be a friendship killer. Loyalty is such an important aspect of a good friend and a large subject I thought there would be value to exploring the issue further.
Many people see loyalty differently, so here are my thoughts on what loyalty is and what it isn't. I would love to hear your thoughts on it - so fee free to comment here or on my Facebook page.
Let's be clear first about one very important thing about loyalty - loyalty is not about blindly following and believing your friends and accepting everything they tell you even if there is evidence to show they are lying. It's not even about defending them even when you know they are guilty of something. Loyalty is about sticking by your friends, but it is also seen in being honest with them when they are wrong.
Loyalty is about continuing to be a friend to someone who has let you down, who sinned or been misunderstood.
Loyalty is not so much about taking sides as it is about caring enough to tell your friend when they are in the wrong.
Loyalty is not just about defending your friends in public (defending their character and reputation to those who would spread gossip and rumors about them), it is about helping them to deal with the reasons they need to be defended.
Prov. 17:17 says that "a friend loves at all times." - That is loyalty.
Someone once said, "a true friend is someone who comes in when the rest of the world leaves." - That is loyalty.
A friend once told me, "I don't care what people say about you, I am still your friend... I don't even care if what they say is true, I will always be your friend." - That is loyalty!!
It seems that loyalty is not only misunderstood, but it is also a rare commodity at times, but it is such a vital quality in friendship. And as I mentioned last time - if you want to have great friends, loyal friends, friends who will stick by you no matter what, you must first be that kind of friend. Loyalty in you will inspire loyalty in others.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
A Loyal Friend?
In his play "Julius Caesar" Shakespeare tells the story of Marcus Brutus and his role in the assassination of his close friend the Roman Emperor. In the story, as Caesar enters the Senate chamber where his assassins wait to attack him and he sees his friend Brutus among the attackers. As Caesar is being stabbed to death he looks up at his friend and utters the famous words "Et tu, Brute?" These words (which mean, "You too, Brutus?") are uttered with great pain as if the betrayal of his friend hurts worse than the diggers that pierce his flesh.
This tragic story is an extreme example of how it hurts when a friend that you thought you could depend on appears to be against you. Hopefully you have never had a friend who has conspired with your enemies to kill you, but you may have had some who have let you down, broken promises, talked about you behind your back, or hurt you in any number of other ways. You know the pain of that moment when you realize that your friend has not been the friend you thought and hoped they would be. That pain must drive you to be a loyal friend, to be one who will not be the cause of such pain for others.
Betrayal sounds like such a harsh word, but is there any other word that describes what we do when we let our friends down? How about when we gossip about them, break our promises to them, or even just choose not to believe the best about them when given the option? If loyalty is one of the things that makes a friend a close and valued friend, then betrayal (or disloyalty) is a friendship killer.
Prov. 17:17 says that "a friend loves at all times." That verse speaks to me of loyalty. It says that if I want to be a friend to someone I must be loyal to them, they must be able to depend on me at all times. It challenges me to always believe the best about them and to defend them to others. It means that I must be willing to risk my own reputation to stand by my friend if needed.
If you are like me you have already let your friends down, you may even realize after reading this that you might be guilty of betraying them. This is your chance to become a better friend, a loyal friend. We all want to have friends we can count on, but that starts with being a friend that can be counted on.
This tragic story is an extreme example of how it hurts when a friend that you thought you could depend on appears to be against you. Hopefully you have never had a friend who has conspired with your enemies to kill you, but you may have had some who have let you down, broken promises, talked about you behind your back, or hurt you in any number of other ways. You know the pain of that moment when you realize that your friend has not been the friend you thought and hoped they would be. That pain must drive you to be a loyal friend, to be one who will not be the cause of such pain for others.
Betrayal sounds like such a harsh word, but is there any other word that describes what we do when we let our friends down? How about when we gossip about them, break our promises to them, or even just choose not to believe the best about them when given the option? If loyalty is one of the things that makes a friend a close and valued friend, then betrayal (or disloyalty) is a friendship killer.
Prov. 17:17 says that "a friend loves at all times." That verse speaks to me of loyalty. It says that if I want to be a friend to someone I must be loyal to them, they must be able to depend on me at all times. It challenges me to always believe the best about them and to defend them to others. It means that I must be willing to risk my own reputation to stand by my friend if needed.
If you are like me you have already let your friends down, you may even realize after reading this that you might be guilty of betraying them. This is your chance to become a better friend, a loyal friend. We all want to have friends we can count on, but that starts with being a friend that can be counted on.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Friendship Killers
"Gossip separates the best of friends." Prov. 16:28 (NLT)
The primary purposes of this blog is to strengthen friendships by helping the reader to understand the eternal significance of the relationships in our lives, and by exposing the fatal mistakes we makes that kill friendships. Having given attention to the value of friendships in previous posts I thought it was time to turn my attention to the thing that really drove me to start this blog in the first place: friendship killers.
Friendship killers are those fatal actions we take (or fail to take) that can signal the end of a relationship and bring about a lot of pain, misunderstanding, and deeply hurt feelings. As I have said earlier - when a friendship is lost there can be a lot of pain, this should not be unexpected given the eternal nature of friendships.
In over 20 years of ministry and counseling to families and individuals I can say that gossip ranks among the deadliest of all the friendship killers out there. Scripture even tells us in Proverbs 16:28 that gossip has the power to separate even the best of friends. If you are over 10 years old I'm sure that you can think of too many times in your own life when this has proven to be true. Gossip is a friendship killer!
As powerful as gossip is to kill even the best of friendships, we have to understand that it's power comes from us. We are the ones who listen, and we are the ones who pass along what we hear. We are the ones who feed the flames of gossip until it grows into a raging fire that burns out of our control. When the fire is over we find the chard remains of friendships and reputations.
Just as we give gossip it's power we can also starve it and put out the flame. If we refuse to listen then gossip will lose it's strength, and if we refuse to pass along what we hear then it is weakened further. We really have the power to defeat gossip if we can face the fact that it is a friendship killer and not just some harmless talk or information passed along "for prayer."
The best way to defeat gossip and therefor preserve friendship is to apply the "one simple rule." Jesus said, "love your neighbor as yourself," but you may know it better as "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." So when a piece of juicy information comes your way about a friend, when you are tempted to listen and pass it along, just put yourself in the shoes of the one being talked about and ask yourself what your friend would want you to do in that moment. Safe to say they wouldn't be hoping that you believe the gossip and tell everyone who will listen, chances are they would be devastated that people are talking about them and would want you to believe the best about them and not be a part of spreading the gossip. Isn't that what you hope your friends will do when they hear something about you? Don't you hope they will believe the best about you and defend you, to come to you directly and trust what you say? Do you want them to have your back? If that is what you want from your friends then that is what you must give them.
If we would all live by this one simple rule, then gossip will have claimed it's final friendship victim.
The primary purposes of this blog is to strengthen friendships by helping the reader to understand the eternal significance of the relationships in our lives, and by exposing the fatal mistakes we makes that kill friendships. Having given attention to the value of friendships in previous posts I thought it was time to turn my attention to the thing that really drove me to start this blog in the first place: friendship killers.
Friendship killers are those fatal actions we take (or fail to take) that can signal the end of a relationship and bring about a lot of pain, misunderstanding, and deeply hurt feelings. As I have said earlier - when a friendship is lost there can be a lot of pain, this should not be unexpected given the eternal nature of friendships.
In over 20 years of ministry and counseling to families and individuals I can say that gossip ranks among the deadliest of all the friendship killers out there. Scripture even tells us in Proverbs 16:28 that gossip has the power to separate even the best of friends. If you are over 10 years old I'm sure that you can think of too many times in your own life when this has proven to be true. Gossip is a friendship killer!
As powerful as gossip is to kill even the best of friendships, we have to understand that it's power comes from us. We are the ones who listen, and we are the ones who pass along what we hear. We are the ones who feed the flames of gossip until it grows into a raging fire that burns out of our control. When the fire is over we find the chard remains of friendships and reputations.
Just as we give gossip it's power we can also starve it and put out the flame. If we refuse to listen then gossip will lose it's strength, and if we refuse to pass along what we hear then it is weakened further. We really have the power to defeat gossip if we can face the fact that it is a friendship killer and not just some harmless talk or information passed along "for prayer."
The best way to defeat gossip and therefor preserve friendship is to apply the "one simple rule." Jesus said, "love your neighbor as yourself," but you may know it better as "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." So when a piece of juicy information comes your way about a friend, when you are tempted to listen and pass it along, just put yourself in the shoes of the one being talked about and ask yourself what your friend would want you to do in that moment. Safe to say they wouldn't be hoping that you believe the gossip and tell everyone who will listen, chances are they would be devastated that people are talking about them and would want you to believe the best about them and not be a part of spreading the gossip. Isn't that what you hope your friends will do when they hear something about you? Don't you hope they will believe the best about you and defend you, to come to you directly and trust what you say? Do you want them to have your back? If that is what you want from your friends then that is what you must give them.
If we would all live by this one simple rule, then gossip will have claimed it's final friendship victim.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Friendship Holding Patterns
In the last blog I was talking about the eternal nature of friendships and relationships in general. (Take a minute and read back if you need to) In light of that fact it is amazing to think that a friendship, once it has begun, can literally last forever!
That's great news for those of us who have friendships that are on hold right now. Do you have any of those? Let me explain: About 20 years ago I was living in Texas and working at Last Days Ministries. I met some truly great people there - to this day I value those relationships. However, I haven't seen most of the people I got to know there since I left. Can I really still count them as friends if I haven't had much if any contact with them in 20 years? Absolutely!
These friendships are on hold for now - holding at the level were we left off. Some of them have been renewed through Facebook contact, some as I have visited the cities they now live in, and some will have to wait until we have an eternity to spend together. These friendships have not ended - they are just on hold until further contact is possible.
This idea gets me even more excited about eternity in heaven - thinking about the wonderful people I know and the fact that I will have an eternity with them to continue the friendship we started. Distance may have separated us, time may have gotten away from us in this life, but the relationship is still alive even if it is dormant for now. Eternity will revive it if there is no opportunity to do so in this life. That excites me!
The primary reason for this blog is to look at why friendships die and how we can prevent the pain that comes when they do, but for now I am just thankful for the ones that are still alive, even if some of them are on hold for a while.
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