I am embarrassed to note that I have not written in the blog for over a year! My only relief is in knowing that there are not hundreds of people out there who have subscribed to this blog and are waiting for me to publish more posts (but thanks to the four of you who have subscribed!).
So why post now? Well I am writing this blog two years after the events that caused me to start it, and this time of year always makes me think about the kind of topics covered in this blog.
Just for review - the "One Simple Rule" referred to in the title is the one we often call the "golden rule" - to do unto others as we would want them to do to us. "So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets." - Jesus, Matt. 7:12.
Pretty simple right? What a difference it would make if we all lived that way. Think about it. Before you betray someone, would you still do it if you thought back to the pain it has caused you when you have been betrayed? Before you gossip about someone or spread a rumor, would you do it if you thought about the way you have felt when you discovered that someone was talking about you behind your back? How about rejecting someone, or abandoning them in a time of need - have you never been rejected or abandoned? Do you not remember what that feels like?
The truth is that many of the most difficult issues we struggle with in life are caused by the things we do to each other! We have no control over struggles with sickness and natural disasters, but most of what gives us pain are the things that people have done to hurt us. That means that most of our struggles are avoidable and preventable!! If only we would do unto others as we want them to do unto us.
Is this a little unrealistic? Too much to ask? Remember that Jesus is the one who said it first. It is worded as a commandment but it really just common sense wisdom on how to reduce the amount of pain and struggle in your life.
Something simple to think about for sure.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Thursday, June 16, 2011
The High Cost of Lost Friendship
I recently had this status on my Facebook page: "Broken relationships make me so sad". Several people commented on that status and "liked" as it seems that I am not the only one who feels that way. I posted that after seeing a girl that my daughter used to be good friends with. The girl lives out of town but every time she is around she would come over and my daughter was always so glad to see her. Then one day she just stopped coming over. She didn't stop coming to town, just coming to our house. We have never really found out why, but it just makes me sad that someone could just end a friendship like that.
I know our friends can make us mad, let us down, and even betray us, and yes there are times when a friendship should and must end. But before you decide that you are never going to talk to someone again, please consider the cost of that lost friendship - consider the things you will be giving up when you end that relationship:
- Shared experiences. Your friends have walked with you through good times and bad times and you carry those memories together. A valuable part of remembering the things we have walked through together is in reminding ourselves of the things we learned in the middle of each experience. Your friend not only remembers the times you had together, but can remind of you of all you learned along the way.
- Honest feedback. Perhaps this is why you want to end the friendship, because your friend was a little too honest with you about your faults. But who is going to speak into your life in a loving way about the things you need to improve if you turn your back on every friend who does? The Bible says that the "wounds of a friend can be trusted." All of us need people we trust and respect in our lives, people who know us well enough to tell us when we need to change.
- A helping hand. We all go through tough times in life. If you are not going through one right now, then rest up because you can be sure one is coming! In those tough times we need friends to turn to who will help us get through. How sad it will be for the person who cuts off so many friendships that when trouble comes they stand alone against it.
And what do we trade all of these wonderful things in for when we decide to end a friendship - awkward silence! Is there anything more awkward than being around someone you used to be friends with, especially when the friendship did not end well (as most don't). Unless you live in a large city you know you are going to see those friends again, and you are going to have to avoid them and deal with the guilt, anger, bitterness, and just plain awkwardness that comes from every chance encounter.
Perhaps you are just so popular that you can afford to cut off a friendship or two, but most of us are not. So the next time you are tempted to never talk to one of your friends again, please remember that there is a high cost to lost friendship.
(Your homework after reading this is to forgive a friend and go give them hug!)
Sunday, January 30, 2011
New Blog
Just a note to anyone following my blogs on friendship and relationships here on "One Simple Rule" - I have started another blog called "Outside In" that deals specifically with lessons on life within the church and how we can all do church better. There is a link to it at the top of the column on the right. I will be reposting a couple of blogs from here on there that apply to both areas.
Thanks for reading!
Thanks for reading!
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Where has all the love gone? Part 3 - The Solution
This is the third part of a three part blog in the issue of really loving each other within the context of the local church (take a moment to read through the previous two entries if you haven't already).
Your feedback suggests that my assessment of our ability (or lack of it) to really love each other is on track. I know it is hard to admit this, trust me when I say it was hard for me. I have had to face the reality that I have been part of the problem over the years more that I have been a part of the solution. But we will not get better at loving each other if we are not honest about our need to improve, and if we don't get better at it we will lose a lot more people who are really hurting.
Just as a reminder - we are talking specifically about loving and accepting those who are in sin and/or have made a mess out of our lives because of that sin. These people are absent from church because they feel the judgement of their fellow Christians and see how people pull back from them when they struggle. Many of these people intended to stay away from church only for a little while to "get their lives in order" but they have been gone for years. It's a vicious cycle because we really need the help of the church to overcome our issues, but we fear their rejection so we isolate ourselves only to find that we slip further away from our faith when separated from the church.
We know the problem, but what is the solution? It is tempting to just say that we need to learn how to really love and accept each other, and that is good, but it's not the whole answer. Teaching the church how to be more loving is only like treating the side effect of a problem without dealing with the root cause. You see, I am convinced that the real reason why we fail to love and accept each other so often is because we fail to fully understand just how much we are loved by God.
There is an amazing account in John 8 of a woman who was literally caught in the act of adultery. She was condemned by the religious leaders and brought to trial and used as a pawn in their attempt to trap Jesus in a difficult moral issue. I am so challenged by Jesus' response as he defends the woman against her accusers but still manages to deal with her sin. This is love in action! Jesus refused to treat this woman badly even though she deserved it and the law permitted it, instead he gave her the last thing in the world she was expecting - love and acceptance! Having shown her that love, when he told her to "go and leave her life of sin" that his words had so much more weight to them. It is said that this woman, although unnamed here, did leave her life of sin and started following Jesus from that day on.
Why is it that too often as Christians instead of acting as Jesus did in this moment, we are the ones holding the stones ready to give the guilty what they deserve? Could it be that we have forgotten all of the times that Jesus came to our defense when we were the guilty ones? Could it be that we have forgotten just how unworthy we have been of the unconditional love of God, and we somehow now believe that we are better than those who sin? Could it be that we have become the Pharisees?
Jesus said: "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." (Luke 12:48) That means that all of us who have received the incredible unconditional love of God have a responsibility and a command to offer that same love to those around us. It means that because God loves us so completely even when we sin and make a mess of our lives, we can do no less than love others who sin and fail and do all the things we have convinced ourselves we are no longer guilty of.
Friends there is so much at stake here, there are so many people missing from the church because they fear our judgement - the feel like the woman did being brought before the religious leaders to receive her punishment when they come into our services. They feel that way because we have treated them that way. We must change for their sake and our own. We must never forget how much we are loved by God, and allow that truth to change how we love and accept those who fail.
If we can do this, we will become the church that Christ would have us be, a true representation of his love in action in this world!
Your feedback suggests that my assessment of our ability (or lack of it) to really love each other is on track. I know it is hard to admit this, trust me when I say it was hard for me. I have had to face the reality that I have been part of the problem over the years more that I have been a part of the solution. But we will not get better at loving each other if we are not honest about our need to improve, and if we don't get better at it we will lose a lot more people who are really hurting.
Just as a reminder - we are talking specifically about loving and accepting those who are in sin and/or have made a mess out of our lives because of that sin. These people are absent from church because they feel the judgement of their fellow Christians and see how people pull back from them when they struggle. Many of these people intended to stay away from church only for a little while to "get their lives in order" but they have been gone for years. It's a vicious cycle because we really need the help of the church to overcome our issues, but we fear their rejection so we isolate ourselves only to find that we slip further away from our faith when separated from the church.
We know the problem, but what is the solution? It is tempting to just say that we need to learn how to really love and accept each other, and that is good, but it's not the whole answer. Teaching the church how to be more loving is only like treating the side effect of a problem without dealing with the root cause. You see, I am convinced that the real reason why we fail to love and accept each other so often is because we fail to fully understand just how much we are loved by God.
There is an amazing account in John 8 of a woman who was literally caught in the act of adultery. She was condemned by the religious leaders and brought to trial and used as a pawn in their attempt to trap Jesus in a difficult moral issue. I am so challenged by Jesus' response as he defends the woman against her accusers but still manages to deal with her sin. This is love in action! Jesus refused to treat this woman badly even though she deserved it and the law permitted it, instead he gave her the last thing in the world she was expecting - love and acceptance! Having shown her that love, when he told her to "go and leave her life of sin" that his words had so much more weight to them. It is said that this woman, although unnamed here, did leave her life of sin and started following Jesus from that day on.
Why is it that too often as Christians instead of acting as Jesus did in this moment, we are the ones holding the stones ready to give the guilty what they deserve? Could it be that we have forgotten all of the times that Jesus came to our defense when we were the guilty ones? Could it be that we have forgotten just how unworthy we have been of the unconditional love of God, and we somehow now believe that we are better than those who sin? Could it be that we have become the Pharisees?
Jesus said: "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." (Luke 12:48) That means that all of us who have received the incredible unconditional love of God have a responsibility and a command to offer that same love to those around us. It means that because God loves us so completely even when we sin and make a mess of our lives, we can do no less than love others who sin and fail and do all the things we have convinced ourselves we are no longer guilty of.
Friends there is so much at stake here, there are so many people missing from the church because they fear our judgement - the feel like the woman did being brought before the religious leaders to receive her punishment when they come into our services. They feel that way because we have treated them that way. We must change for their sake and our own. We must never forget how much we are loved by God, and allow that truth to change how we love and accept those who fail.
If we can do this, we will become the church that Christ would have us be, a true representation of his love in action in this world!
Monday, January 17, 2011
Where has all the love gone? : Addendum
There has been a lot of interest in my last blog dealing with love (or lack of it) within the local church. If you haven't read it yet you should take a minute to read it to give you some background on this entry.
There is something else I want to add to this issue that came to me as I thought over the things I had written:
As I mentioned I have been in ministry within the church all of my adult life, the past 9 of those years were spent as a senior pastor. One thing that often frustrated and saddened me was when people who were dealing with serious issues in their lives would disappear from church while they worked through their issues. I would often remind people that in times of struggle it makes more sense to attend church more not less - to use the time there to press into God and lean on the support of fellow believers. That method of encouragement didn't seem to work too often though.
To be more specific, it wasn't just any kind of struggle that seemed to drive people away from church, it was almost always a personal struggle with some kind of sin. For example, if a person was struggling with loss and grief they would be around more, press into God and lean on the church family for support. But if a person was in a relationship that they knew to be unhealthy or sinful, they would pull back from the church and avoid contact with church friends.
I know that a part of the reason for this withdrawal was the enemy working against them, trying to isolate them so he could defeat them more easily, but I also wonder if a part of the reason had to do with the lack of expressed love in the church.
Think about it - if it is true that the church is failing to really love people especially those who sin in action and/or lifestyle (as I wrote about in my last blog), then when you find yourself in that place would you want to be around the church more or less? Obviously less!
So if this is true, then the only course of action for someone struggling with personal sin, doubt, addictions, etc, is to avoid the judgement of the church until the issue is resolved and they can "clean themselves up" and come back to church. The problem with that is that experience tells me that many of those people never come back to church at all.
These are serious issues that we must be honest with ourselves about if the church is really going to reach hurting people, and if we as Christians are ever going to be able to love people the way Jesus did.
I would love to hear your feedback on all this so leave a comment below or comment on my link on Facebook.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1Cor. 13:4-8a
There is something else I want to add to this issue that came to me as I thought over the things I had written:
As I mentioned I have been in ministry within the church all of my adult life, the past 9 of those years were spent as a senior pastor. One thing that often frustrated and saddened me was when people who were dealing with serious issues in their lives would disappear from church while they worked through their issues. I would often remind people that in times of struggle it makes more sense to attend church more not less - to use the time there to press into God and lean on the support of fellow believers. That method of encouragement didn't seem to work too often though.
To be more specific, it wasn't just any kind of struggle that seemed to drive people away from church, it was almost always a personal struggle with some kind of sin. For example, if a person was struggling with loss and grief they would be around more, press into God and lean on the church family for support. But if a person was in a relationship that they knew to be unhealthy or sinful, they would pull back from the church and avoid contact with church friends.
I know that a part of the reason for this withdrawal was the enemy working against them, trying to isolate them so he could defeat them more easily, but I also wonder if a part of the reason had to do with the lack of expressed love in the church.
Think about it - if it is true that the church is failing to really love people especially those who sin in action and/or lifestyle (as I wrote about in my last blog), then when you find yourself in that place would you want to be around the church more or less? Obviously less!
So if this is true, then the only course of action for someone struggling with personal sin, doubt, addictions, etc, is to avoid the judgement of the church until the issue is resolved and they can "clean themselves up" and come back to church. The problem with that is that experience tells me that many of those people never come back to church at all.
These are serious issues that we must be honest with ourselves about if the church is really going to reach hurting people, and if we as Christians are ever going to be able to love people the way Jesus did.
I would love to hear your feedback on all this so leave a comment below or comment on my link on Facebook.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. 1Cor. 13:4-8a
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Where has all the love gone?
This blog is something of a personal confession.
I have been involved in ministry within the church in various capacities for all of my adult life. Since the age of 21 there has not been a time (until recently) that I have not been actively involved in a local church to some degree. For some seasons I was just a volunteer helping where and when I could. In other times I have been a pastor, youth pastor, and associate pastor.
I love the local church and that is why I have devoted so much of my life to it, and I fully expect that service in a local church setting will be the norm for as long as I am on this earth. I believe it was the reason God created me - to help take care of people and work to grow the church and see the Bride of Christ prepared for His return.
My history and involvement is what makes me so defensive when people say negative things about the church, but I have to admit that the past few months have given me a new perspective on church and I can see that some of the criticism is valid. You see for the past 5 months I have been in a position that is very unfamiliar and uncomfortable for me when it comes to church - on the outside looking in. Even though I still attend church I am only attending, not involved in any ministry. This "outside in" perspective has helped me to see the church in a new way and forced me to be honest about the shortcomings of the church and my own inability to address them.
One area that I have been thinking about recently is our ability (our = the church) to deal with people who struggle with sin in a loving way instead of through judgement and avoidance. The fear in loving people who sin (in ways we consider to be more serious than our own everyday sin) is that our love will be confused with acceptance as if we condone their sin. But in our inability to really love people, all people, we end up driving away the people who really need help as if we want only to fill the church with people who don't have too many problems. The problem is, that is not our job, nor the real function of a successful church.
In thinking about how I can do a better job of loving people I have focused on two things: First of all is the way that Jesus loved people, and secondly is to understand my role in the process of God's work on someone else's sin.
When I read the accounts of Jesus' life on earth it is easy to see that he had an amazing ability to love people but deal with their sin at the same time. He did not avoid them but rather reached out to them because he loved them. His love saw through the sin to the pain it caused and when he challenged them to live better lives it was because he wanted to ease that pain. I love how he was never afraid to deal with a person in sin, even if they were not ready to deal with their own sin. He did it all in love, and his love reached them when the "religious" people around them had forsaken them.
Understanding how Jesus dealt with people has helped me to learn how to love people more. Understanding his role in dealing with their sin has helped me to understand mine.
When we choose to withhold love from someone who has sinned, not wanting to appear as though we condone their actions, we are confused about our role in dealing with their sin. It is as if we see ourselves as the ones who must pass judgement on them and hand out the consequences for their actions. It sounds silly now that I write it down, but it is so true and I know I have been guilty of that exact thing many times. I know I have avoided people, judged them, and not loved them all because of their sin as if any of that was my job.
When we are cautious when dealing with people who have sinned is it because we are worried that we will be guilty by association? When we avoid them is it because we think they deserve to be sunned for a while because of their actions, or is it because we just don't know how to love them in the middle of the mess their sin has created? And what is the real risk in reaching out in love to someone who is hurting because of the mistakes they have made - someone who already feels their guilt and does not need the church to remind them.
As I said this blog is somewhat of a personal confession. I have not loved people enough because I was too cautious and worried that they might confuse my acceptance as approval. The truth is that my role in dealing with people is love and acceptance, God's role is conviction and correction.
If we (the church) would do a better job of really loving people maybe they would stay around long enough to receive the conviction, correction, and healing that God longs to give them.
I have been involved in ministry within the church in various capacities for all of my adult life. Since the age of 21 there has not been a time (until recently) that I have not been actively involved in a local church to some degree. For some seasons I was just a volunteer helping where and when I could. In other times I have been a pastor, youth pastor, and associate pastor.
I love the local church and that is why I have devoted so much of my life to it, and I fully expect that service in a local church setting will be the norm for as long as I am on this earth. I believe it was the reason God created me - to help take care of people and work to grow the church and see the Bride of Christ prepared for His return.
My history and involvement is what makes me so defensive when people say negative things about the church, but I have to admit that the past few months have given me a new perspective on church and I can see that some of the criticism is valid. You see for the past 5 months I have been in a position that is very unfamiliar and uncomfortable for me when it comes to church - on the outside looking in. Even though I still attend church I am only attending, not involved in any ministry. This "outside in" perspective has helped me to see the church in a new way and forced me to be honest about the shortcomings of the church and my own inability to address them.
One area that I have been thinking about recently is our ability (our = the church) to deal with people who struggle with sin in a loving way instead of through judgement and avoidance. The fear in loving people who sin (in ways we consider to be more serious than our own everyday sin) is that our love will be confused with acceptance as if we condone their sin. But in our inability to really love people, all people, we end up driving away the people who really need help as if we want only to fill the church with people who don't have too many problems. The problem is, that is not our job, nor the real function of a successful church.
In thinking about how I can do a better job of loving people I have focused on two things: First of all is the way that Jesus loved people, and secondly is to understand my role in the process of God's work on someone else's sin.
When I read the accounts of Jesus' life on earth it is easy to see that he had an amazing ability to love people but deal with their sin at the same time. He did not avoid them but rather reached out to them because he loved them. His love saw through the sin to the pain it caused and when he challenged them to live better lives it was because he wanted to ease that pain. I love how he was never afraid to deal with a person in sin, even if they were not ready to deal with their own sin. He did it all in love, and his love reached them when the "religious" people around them had forsaken them.
Understanding how Jesus dealt with people has helped me to learn how to love people more. Understanding his role in dealing with their sin has helped me to understand mine.
When we choose to withhold love from someone who has sinned, not wanting to appear as though we condone their actions, we are confused about our role in dealing with their sin. It is as if we see ourselves as the ones who must pass judgement on them and hand out the consequences for their actions. It sounds silly now that I write it down, but it is so true and I know I have been guilty of that exact thing many times. I know I have avoided people, judged them, and not loved them all because of their sin as if any of that was my job.
When we are cautious when dealing with people who have sinned is it because we are worried that we will be guilty by association? When we avoid them is it because we think they deserve to be sunned for a while because of their actions, or is it because we just don't know how to love them in the middle of the mess their sin has created? And what is the real risk in reaching out in love to someone who is hurting because of the mistakes they have made - someone who already feels their guilt and does not need the church to remind them.
As I said this blog is somewhat of a personal confession. I have not loved people enough because I was too cautious and worried that they might confuse my acceptance as approval. The truth is that my role in dealing with people is love and acceptance, God's role is conviction and correction.
If we (the church) would do a better job of really loving people maybe they would stay around long enough to receive the conviction, correction, and healing that God longs to give them.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
The Hardest Thing of All - Part 2
Mt 6:14-15 For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
Why did Jesus have to say stuff like that? Since it was Jesus that said it we can't just ignore it or work around it, and we can't negotiate our way out of it. But there it is - if we do not forgive the people who sin against us, God will not forgive us when we sin! It's a simple decision that God has made to help us understand the incredible importance of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is something that Jesus talked about a lot, but what does it really look like when lived out in real life? Most of what Jesus said about forgiveness answers that question, but the bottom line is this: forgiveness is something that requires your actions much more than your words.
Consider these other hard things that Jesus said about forgiveness...
Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:28)
Blessing and cursing is all about how we use our words when we talk about the people who have hurt us. When that happens our first response is often to lash out and say all kinds of things that can't be taken back. How many times have your words made things worse though? How many bridges have we burned by running to all open ears and telling all kinds of things about those who have hurt us? Could it be that Jesus knew we would make it worse so he told us to speak blessing instead of curses? Could it be that he knows so much about us that he is trying to keep us from the greater pain of killing a friendship that could be saved? I think so.
If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. (Luke 6:29)
So it's not just about what we say, here Jesus goes to what we do. Can you really imagine acting that way toward someone who wrongs you? But can you see that this is not a suggestion from Jesus, it is a commandment! Does Jesus want us to be weak, to let the other person win and get away with hurting us? It seems that way because this is not how we are taught to react. We are taught revenge, punishment, and payback. But again Jesus knows that what we do after we have been hurt will either make things better or worse, and most of our natural instinct will lead us to so things that make it worse!
I have recently had the opportunity to put all of this into practice, and the advice of a good friend has really helped me. He passed along something that God had told him in a similar situation. He said "How you respond right now will determine your future in ministry." That is such a great insight into God's motivation for pushing us toward forgiveness, he is thinking about our future while we are focused on our past or present.
Forgiveness is hard for sure, but unforgiveness is worse. Forgiveness is hard right now but it sets us free to move on, unforgiveness may be easier right now but will bind us to our past and keep the pain of past hurts alive and fresh. So when Jesus commanded us to forgive, he was not trying to make life hard for us, he was trying to set us free!
Why did Jesus have to say stuff like that? Since it was Jesus that said it we can't just ignore it or work around it, and we can't negotiate our way out of it. But there it is - if we do not forgive the people who sin against us, God will not forgive us when we sin! It's a simple decision that God has made to help us understand the incredible importance of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is something that Jesus talked about a lot, but what does it really look like when lived out in real life? Most of what Jesus said about forgiveness answers that question, but the bottom line is this: forgiveness is something that requires your actions much more than your words.
Consider these other hard things that Jesus said about forgiveness...
Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. (Luke 6:28)
Blessing and cursing is all about how we use our words when we talk about the people who have hurt us. When that happens our first response is often to lash out and say all kinds of things that can't be taken back. How many times have your words made things worse though? How many bridges have we burned by running to all open ears and telling all kinds of things about those who have hurt us? Could it be that Jesus knew we would make it worse so he told us to speak blessing instead of curses? Could it be that he knows so much about us that he is trying to keep us from the greater pain of killing a friendship that could be saved? I think so.
If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. (Luke 6:29)
So it's not just about what we say, here Jesus goes to what we do. Can you really imagine acting that way toward someone who wrongs you? But can you see that this is not a suggestion from Jesus, it is a commandment! Does Jesus want us to be weak, to let the other person win and get away with hurting us? It seems that way because this is not how we are taught to react. We are taught revenge, punishment, and payback. But again Jesus knows that what we do after we have been hurt will either make things better or worse, and most of our natural instinct will lead us to so things that make it worse!
I have recently had the opportunity to put all of this into practice, and the advice of a good friend has really helped me. He passed along something that God had told him in a similar situation. He said "How you respond right now will determine your future in ministry." That is such a great insight into God's motivation for pushing us toward forgiveness, he is thinking about our future while we are focused on our past or present.
Forgiveness is hard for sure, but unforgiveness is worse. Forgiveness is hard right now but it sets us free to move on, unforgiveness may be easier right now but will bind us to our past and keep the pain of past hurts alive and fresh. So when Jesus commanded us to forgive, he was not trying to make life hard for us, he was trying to set us free!
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